I keep wondering when everyone started growing up without me. When my friends starting talking about having children and getting married, it seems shocking to me. I have these huge dreams of doing so much; getting married feels like the end dream, the last hurrah, if I'm lucky. I want so much more than this little town with a husband and kids and basketball games and tacky vans and cold winters and the same thing over and over and over again. I want adventure and life and growth and excitement and freedom.

Growing Up

It's not that I want to leave and escape from everyone. But every time I think of myself out there in the real world, without the comfort of my little high school where my teachers are like family and my dad's only a couple of halls away, I get nervous. And I don't want to be nervous. I want to feel in control and totally 100% sure that this is it, I'm ok, I'll survive just fine. That's why I make the distance between myself and everyone else. That's why I'm not attached anymore, to anyone as much as I used to be. I'm just hoping that it will make it easier to leave.

"He is before all things, and in him all things hold together." Colossians 1:17

Lately I just can't wait to get out of here. I feel like I'm done with this place, with my job, with my school, and even with some of my friends. I already feel like an outsider, and we haven't even graduated yet. Is it because I'm growing up? Or are they growing up? Or is it just that we finally found out that we have nothing in common except where we grew up? How do you determine if a friendship is worth keeping?

My New Home

God has answered my prayers right when I thought I was reaching my breaking point.

I received a rather large scholarship to a college I was trying to decide about, and now, it is going to be my new home in the fall! I'm so excited to go down south in the warmth.

Here are some pictures of my brand new home:

Seriously, I have no idea what I'm doing here. I hate this. I don't know what I'm doing in high school. There's just nothing left. I'm so sick of it, and I'm ready to move on. I don't know where to move on. Can I really just pack up everything and move 17 hours away from my family and my friends without going crazy? What the heck am I doing? Why did I ever think I could handle all these bigger and better things? I don't want to get stuck in our little. I want to travel and explore and become someone bigger and better, but I don't know what I'm supposed to do. How are you possibly supposed to plan your life at age 18? How are we expected to learn all the answers? How did I let myself get so sheltered? I don't know a thing about growing up and going on my own. How am I going to survive out there without crying myself to sleep every night? I don't know what I'm supposed to do. This is so scary. Why did I ever let myself dream?

Feeling single.

It sucks.