Insecure

So preparing for college and for my real life to start really sucks.

How am I supposed to know at age 17 and 351 days what I will be good at for the rest of my life?

Yes, I like to sing. But I get nervous singing in front of people. My voice shakes, I forget words, and I forget that the only person I should really be singing for is God. To be a singer, you have to be confident. You have to own the stage. You have to want to be there. I love the stage, but I have my doubts of whether I could really let myself go up there completely.

And I love to take pictures. It's just something that happened naturally. I hate change, and I hate forgetting things, so what better way (besides writing) to capture a memory so that I can always remember every thing that happened? I love developing my signature photography style - close, emotional head shots. I love capturing what people are thinking and feeling at any given time. I love bringing out the most beautiful part in people so that when they look at their picture, they think, "Wow. I'm wonderful. I'm fabulous. I'm me, and I'm more than ok." Helping people believe in themselves is really an incredible feeling.

And then there's writing. It's second nature to me now. There are 14 diaries from about 9 years of my life on my bookshelf, and various ten cent notebooks galore. I'm used to walking into Barnes and Noble and looking at the journals so that I can write in something pretty and unique. Writing is like breathing. Recording what happens, telling my feelings, making sure that I remember what things sound and look and feel like - that's what I do. But can I really be that writer girl? Can I really be that person who lives the lonesome life in front of her laptop, BS-ing her way through a story just to make a deadline? Can I really write for a living? Am I a solid enough writer that I can support myself through a hobby?

I have no idea what I am supposed to do. Three years ago, I felt like I was having a calling from God. I felt like he wanted me to do something in a creative field, but still helping people and connecting with people.

I just wish I had a solid plan. There's so many options. I feel like I'll screw something up and pick the wrong thing.

Real life is super complicated.

Confession

I want to be a writer.

My dad has been telling me from an early age to be an engineer or a doctor. I've changed my mind on careers a thousand times to please him and my mom. Finally, this year, we decided on music therapy. It was like a truce.

But I really, truly, desperately want to be a writer.

I know that I can write on the side. I know I can do a million things I want to do on the side, like write and take pictures and sing and plan weddings.

But writing is just what I do. I think that it could be something I do for the rest of my life.

It's kind of what I've done for myself since forever.