Yay! I finally went to the amusement park that has been 45 minutes away from me for about half of my life!
Never mind that I drank too much lemonade, it was suuuuper hot, I almost got ill, and I had a headache for FIVE HOURS...it was so much fun!
I have the greatest friends in the whole wide world. <3
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Friday, August 14, 2009
Time To Grow Up
I really surprised myself tonight. I mean, I know I'm a total sap, and I cry when milk spills, but seriously. I thought I was going to be ok with all of this.
When I was 15, I started writing in my diary about graduation. Not mine, but everyone around me. I had a countdown:
Age 15: Good Friend #1 Graduates
Age 16: Good Friend #2 plus his girlfriend (Good Friend #3) Graduate
Age 17: Good Friends #WAY TOO MANY Graduate
I have been preparing myself for this summer since forever. I knew that this summer would be the one where they all would grow up, and I would get more than a little left behind.
I thought I was going to be able to handle it. I've learned a lot about growing up and moving on this year, and I thought it was going to be ok.
But it's the night before a good friend leaves. It's the start of the week before many good friends leave. And I don't know if I can handle this.
I hate hate hate hate change.
And college.
But I'm so proud of my friends for moving on to this next stage in their lives. I just wish that we could all go together.
When I was 15, I started writing in my diary about graduation. Not mine, but everyone around me. I had a countdown:
Age 15: Good Friend #1 Graduates
Age 16: Good Friend #2 plus his girlfriend (Good Friend #3) Graduate
Age 17: Good Friends #WAY TOO MANY Graduate
I have been preparing myself for this summer since forever. I knew that this summer would be the one where they all would grow up, and I would get more than a little left behind.
I thought I was going to be able to handle it. I've learned a lot about growing up and moving on this year, and I thought it was going to be ok.
But it's the night before a good friend leaves. It's the start of the week before many good friends leave. And I don't know if I can handle this.
I hate hate hate hate change.
And college.
But I'm so proud of my friends for moving on to this next stage in their lives. I just wish that we could all go together.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Relying on Men
So I'm laying on the gym floor at Kamp 4 Kids. We got flooded out of our tents, and we had to sleep inside. I'm reading my nightly devotional, which is actually part of my quest to read the Bible the entire way through. Side note: I'm about 3/4 of the way through it. Anyway, as I'm reading, I come across a verse that I immediately share with my friends, Amber, Abby, and Tanya, who are in their sleeping bags around me. The verse says:
"It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in man.
It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in princes."
Psalm 118:8-9
Now, being the extremely single and only slightly bitter girl that I am, I point out, jokingly, that if you twist this verse around, it's basically saying that we shouldn't trust guys. We shouldn't trust the whole "Prince Charming" persona.
I actually don't believe that, just so you know. I was just having one of those "girls against boys when they make us mad" moments that seem to happen way too often in high school.
But then last night, I came across another verse. It said:
"Do not put your trust in princes,
in mortal men, who cannot save."
Psalm 146:3
It sounds a lot like the other verse. But this time, it meant something more to me than a joking excuse to stay away from guys. To me, this verse was saying that Jesus is my Prince Charming. It was saying that I don't have to sit around and wait to meet a guy, to be rescued and carried off into the sunset by a dashing man on a white horse. Prince Charming doesn't have to be a distance dream. It's real! He's real!
Jesus is my Prince Charming! He rescued me; He delighted in me. I am cherished by Him, and He adores me.
How's that for a love story?
"It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in man.
It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in princes."
Psalm 118:8-9
Now, being the extremely single and only slightly bitter girl that I am, I point out, jokingly, that if you twist this verse around, it's basically saying that we shouldn't trust guys. We shouldn't trust the whole "Prince Charming" persona.
I actually don't believe that, just so you know. I was just having one of those "girls against boys when they make us mad" moments that seem to happen way too often in high school.
But then last night, I came across another verse. It said:
"Do not put your trust in princes,
in mortal men, who cannot save."
Psalm 146:3
It sounds a lot like the other verse. But this time, it meant something more to me than a joking excuse to stay away from guys. To me, this verse was saying that Jesus is my Prince Charming. It was saying that I don't have to sit around and wait to meet a guy, to be rescued and carried off into the sunset by a dashing man on a white horse. Prince Charming doesn't have to be a distance dream. It's real! He's real!
Jesus is my Prince Charming! He rescued me; He delighted in me. I am cherished by Him, and He adores me.
How's that for a love story?
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Insecure
So preparing for college and for my real life to start really sucks.
How am I supposed to know at age 17 and 351 days what I will be good at for the rest of my life?
Yes, I like to sing. But I get nervous singing in front of people. My voice shakes, I forget words, and I forget that the only person I should really be singing for is God. To be a singer, you have to be confident. You have to own the stage. You have to want to be there. I love the stage, but I have my doubts of whether I could really let myself go up there completely.
And I love to take pictures. It's just something that happened naturally. I hate change, and I hate forgetting things, so what better way (besides writing) to capture a memory so that I can always remember every thing that happened? I love developing my signature photography style - close, emotional head shots. I love capturing what people are thinking and feeling at any given time. I love bringing out the most beautiful part in people so that when they look at their picture, they think, "Wow. I'm wonderful. I'm fabulous. I'm me, and I'm more than ok." Helping people believe in themselves is really an incredible feeling.
And then there's writing. It's second nature to me now. There are 14 diaries from about 9 years of my life on my bookshelf, and various ten cent notebooks galore. I'm used to walking into Barnes and Noble and looking at the journals so that I can write in something pretty and unique. Writing is like breathing. Recording what happens, telling my feelings, making sure that I remember what things sound and look and feel like - that's what I do. But can I really be that writer girl? Can I really be that person who lives the lonesome life in front of her laptop, BS-ing her way through a story just to make a deadline? Can I really write for a living? Am I a solid enough writer that I can support myself through a hobby?
I have no idea what I am supposed to do. Three years ago, I felt like I was having a calling from God. I felt like he wanted me to do something in a creative field, but still helping people and connecting with people.
I just wish I had a solid plan. There's so many options. I feel like I'll screw something up and pick the wrong thing.
Real life is super complicated.
How am I supposed to know at age 17 and 351 days what I will be good at for the rest of my life?
Yes, I like to sing. But I get nervous singing in front of people. My voice shakes, I forget words, and I forget that the only person I should really be singing for is God. To be a singer, you have to be confident. You have to own the stage. You have to want to be there. I love the stage, but I have my doubts of whether I could really let myself go up there completely.
And I love to take pictures. It's just something that happened naturally. I hate change, and I hate forgetting things, so what better way (besides writing) to capture a memory so that I can always remember every thing that happened? I love developing my signature photography style - close, emotional head shots. I love capturing what people are thinking and feeling at any given time. I love bringing out the most beautiful part in people so that when they look at their picture, they think, "Wow. I'm wonderful. I'm fabulous. I'm me, and I'm more than ok." Helping people believe in themselves is really an incredible feeling.
And then there's writing. It's second nature to me now. There are 14 diaries from about 9 years of my life on my bookshelf, and various ten cent notebooks galore. I'm used to walking into Barnes and Noble and looking at the journals so that I can write in something pretty and unique. Writing is like breathing. Recording what happens, telling my feelings, making sure that I remember what things sound and look and feel like - that's what I do. But can I really be that writer girl? Can I really be that person who lives the lonesome life in front of her laptop, BS-ing her way through a story just to make a deadline? Can I really write for a living? Am I a solid enough writer that I can support myself through a hobby?
I have no idea what I am supposed to do. Three years ago, I felt like I was having a calling from God. I felt like he wanted me to do something in a creative field, but still helping people and connecting with people.
I just wish I had a solid plan. There's so many options. I feel like I'll screw something up and pick the wrong thing.
Real life is super complicated.
Monday, August 3, 2009
I Can't Sleep
This will be a complete ramble of an entry simply because I cannot sleep, and there are just too many thoughts bouncing around in my head.
I know, I know...I should just stop thinking. But it's so hard!
It's not like what happened was a big deal. In retrospect, especially to about 99.99999% of the population, it was a small deal. A tiny, miniscule, unimportant detail. A speck of nothingness.
But to me, a girl who stays away from dating, especially in the casual sense, and who is waiting for an extraordinary guy to appear, it was a huge deal.
Falling for anyone is a big deal for me.
But falling as hard as I did in such a short time - colossal, massive, humongous deal.
I am proud to say, however, that I am getting over it. I am trying to forget, or at least not dwell upon, everything that happened.
Yes, I sometimes have to re-read a text message or two from him.
Yes, I sometimes have to write his name somewhere, only to furiously scratch it out two seconds later.
Yes, I sometimes have to bring his name up in my phone contacts, think about deleting it, but keep it there anyway.
And yes, I sometimes have to literally distract myself to stop thinking about him, but I'm getting so much better.
Really.
And the best part of this - the forgetting and the getting over it - is that I know for a fact that I am doing the right thing. I am completely sure of that.
It feels good to do something right.
I know, I know...I should just stop thinking. But it's so hard!
It's not like what happened was a big deal. In retrospect, especially to about 99.99999% of the population, it was a small deal. A tiny, miniscule, unimportant detail. A speck of nothingness.
But to me, a girl who stays away from dating, especially in the casual sense, and who is waiting for an extraordinary guy to appear, it was a huge deal.
Falling for anyone is a big deal for me.
But falling as hard as I did in such a short time - colossal, massive, humongous deal.
I am proud to say, however, that I am getting over it. I am trying to forget, or at least not dwell upon, everything that happened.
Yes, I sometimes have to re-read a text message or two from him.
Yes, I sometimes have to write his name somewhere, only to furiously scratch it out two seconds later.
Yes, I sometimes have to bring his name up in my phone contacts, think about deleting it, but keep it there anyway.
And yes, I sometimes have to literally distract myself to stop thinking about him, but I'm getting so much better.
Really.
And the best part of this - the forgetting and the getting over it - is that I know for a fact that I am doing the right thing. I am completely sure of that.
It feels good to do something right.
Life Left To Go
I absolutely adore Safetysuit.
Their lyrics pretty much perfectly sum up twelve billion parts of life that I've always wanted to have the words to describe.
I don't even care that the closest concert is 6 hours away and waaaay too expensive since they're only the opening act - I HAVE to go.
Their lyrics pretty much perfectly sum up twelve billion parts of life that I've always wanted to have the words to describe.
I don't even care that the closest concert is 6 hours away and waaaay too expensive since they're only the opening act - I HAVE to go.
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