I keep wondering when everyone started growing up without me. When my friends starting talking about having children and getting married, it seems shocking to me. I have these huge dreams of doing so much; getting married feels like the end dream, the last hurrah, if I'm lucky. I want so much more than this little town with a husband and kids and basketball games and tacky vans and cold winters and the same thing over and over and over again. I want adventure and life and growth and excitement and freedom.

Growing Up

It's not that I want to leave and escape from everyone. But every time I think of myself out there in the real world, without the comfort of my little high school where my teachers are like family and my dad's only a couple of halls away, I get nervous. And I don't want to be nervous. I want to feel in control and totally 100% sure that this is it, I'm ok, I'll survive just fine. That's why I make the distance between myself and everyone else. That's why I'm not attached anymore, to anyone as much as I used to be. I'm just hoping that it will make it easier to leave.

"He is before all things, and in him all things hold together." Colossians 1:17

Lately I just can't wait to get out of here. I feel like I'm done with this place, with my job, with my school, and even with some of my friends. I already feel like an outsider, and we haven't even graduated yet. Is it because I'm growing up? Or are they growing up? Or is it just that we finally found out that we have nothing in common except where we grew up? How do you determine if a friendship is worth keeping?

My New Home

God has answered my prayers right when I thought I was reaching my breaking point.

I received a rather large scholarship to a college I was trying to decide about, and now, it is going to be my new home in the fall! I'm so excited to go down south in the warmth.

Here are some pictures of my brand new home:

Seriously, I have no idea what I'm doing here. I hate this. I don't know what I'm doing in high school. There's just nothing left. I'm so sick of it, and I'm ready to move on. I don't know where to move on. Can I really just pack up everything and move 17 hours away from my family and my friends without going crazy? What the heck am I doing? Why did I ever think I could handle all these bigger and better things? I don't want to get stuck in our little. I want to travel and explore and become someone bigger and better, but I don't know what I'm supposed to do. How are you possibly supposed to plan your life at age 18? How are we expected to learn all the answers? How did I let myself get so sheltered? I don't know a thing about growing up and going on my own. How am I going to survive out there without crying myself to sleep every night? I don't know what I'm supposed to do. This is so scary. Why did I ever let myself dream?

Feeling single.

It sucks.

Thank you, college, for making me realize that I am 100% ordinary. I am not a hard-worker; I am nothing special. I deserve nothing. Thanks for helping me finally understand all of this. I'm so glad this is what I've been waiting and working towards for nine years.

Sometimes I just miss him. I miss what happened and what never happened. I miss wishing and dreaming about it all the time. I miss the idea of what could have been. I miss everything.

Selfish

I am a very selfish person. I wish that I wasn't. I wish I could be less needy and less concerned about me. I'm going to work on it. It's something about myself that most definitely needs improvement.

Dear February 14th,

You're killing me. This year, you're really killing me.

1 year!

Well, I have hit the one year mark since I first started my battle against the pounds. I've lost 35 pounds in one year, which I am pretty proud of. I'm not at my final goal yet, but I'd like to think I'll get there in a few months. I never was quite sure if I could do it, but I did. Although I sometimes forget how big the change was, or it feels like I haven't changed at all, I just have to look in the mirror at the new me and be proud of what I helped myself become. When I first started to majorly complain about my weight and looks, my mom told me to change the things I could and love the things I couldn't. I'm so glad I listened to her, and I feel good because this is the body that I worked for. Even though it's not perfect, it's still beautiful.

People can be jerks

When the people you love best screw you over, that's when it sucks the most.

That's when it also takes longer and longer to forgive and forget.

I hate being a teenager/adult. I hate feeling like I have no control over my emotions. It just ends up being too much. I feel too much, big feelings, too big. I hate this.

Listless pretty much sums it up.

Twenty Ten

I think I'm an insomniac. Sleep and I used to be best friends. Now there's a gigantic rift through our relationship.

The headaches are back. Thank you, SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder).

My resolutions for the big year - 2010 - are extremely difficult to keep:

1) Don't eat chocolate.
2) Don't eat junk food.
3) Don't drink pop.
4) Lose weight
5) Don't hate the snow. It's part of God's creation, too.
6) Don't hate on people. They're part of God's creation, too.
7) Don't gossip.
8) Don't stress out so much you get sick.
9) Make it to All-States.
10) Be positive.

Lost

I am a brand new Lost fan.

Abby has always wanted someone to discuss the show with her, so over vacation, I began all the way back at Season One with about 108 episodes to watch.

I then watched 24 of those episodes in less than 72 hours.

Ridiculous, I know. But I officially love the show. It's so good. And it's just one of those things where you can't stop watching, and after six hours of watching it has gone by, you've barely even noticed!

Kind of like Bones.

Oh, and Avatar. I saw that the other day, too. Unfortunately, it wasn't in 3D, but it was still a completely awesome movie. I can't wait to watch it again.

Sadly, all of this...watching stuff...doesn't leave very much time for reading. Don't worry. I'll fix that soon.