Hectic

These pictures are all from a photoshoot that one of my best friends Abby and I had this week. Our moms took the pictures (they're great photographers!), and these are some of our favorites. I'll post a link to the whole album eventually, and you can check out more of the pictures if you would like.

Well, this week was our first full week of school, and it was a little rough.

I definitely made a schedule for myself that is nearly impossible to follow. The best parts of my day are Writer's Workshop, French, and English class. Without those classes and those teachers, and I don't think I could handle school at all. Physics and Pre-Calc are just bringing me down. I have never doubted myself as much as I do in those classes. Ugh.

Yearbook is actually going really well! Yearbook Staff Applications were turned in today, and we got (surprise!) about 10 applications! We have choices! I'm really excited about the staff and about this year's book. It's going to be really amazing, and the whole process will become much more efficient.

I had my first dance classes of the year last night. I'm taking hip-hop, tap, and modern this year. I love dance. I have the best teacher, Miss Heather, and I have so many friends in my classes. It's just a great way to exercise, have fun, and best of all, relax a little from my horrible schedule.

The college/major search continues. I really have no new updates. I'm just trying to trust God to figure out what I'm supposed to do with my life.

This weekend, I have absolutely no homework! I plan on listening to music, reading too much Shakespeare and Austen (I'm just in the mood), and basically giving my fried brain a relaxing "spa weekend."

I went to a school football game tonight, and I saw so many of my old friends that I haven't seen in months and months. It was so great to see everyone. It was like having the "old group" back, which was a little bittersweet. It's weird to think about how many memories you have with certain people and then in a matter of weeks, months, or years, that can all change. You have to rely on the memories to even connect anymore. I don't really like it.

One friend in particular I was so happy to see. He and I have been relatively close for about 4 or 5 years now. Unfortunately, when he went to college, that changed a little. I was always nervous to call him a best friend because I wasn't sure if that was what we really were or if he felt like that too, but now, I don't care. He was a definite best friend to me, and I'm really grateful that he can still be a part of life even if it's in a smaller way than it used to be.

So...that's my little update! Let me know what's going on in your life and if you have anything you'd like me to pray about!

College Talk (Again)

So I had another long college conversation with my mom today.

I find myself thinking more and more about how much I love spending time with kids, and how I'd love to make a difference in their lives and help them make smart choices and feel loved. I've always said that I'd never be a teacher. I've grown up with two teachers, and I've seen everything - the good, the bad, and the absolutely ugly. But ever since I can remember, kids have just kind of...gravitated towards me. And I love them! Maybe I should go into teaching. I just don't know.

There are so many choices! I feel like I have these voices bouncing around in my head:
"Do this!"
"No, no, not that career. How about this one? It's so much better."
"You're smart. Go into math and science. It's the way to go."
"You're really artsy. Go into the arts; you'll be happier."
"Don't forget about money! You want money, don't you?"
"Forget about college! Go work at McDonalds! This is too much stress!"

I don't know what to do! The only voice I want to hear in my head is God clearly stating which direction I should take for my life. I'm trying to be patient and wait to see what He has planned, but it's my senior year. It's here. It's starting. I need a plan. I need to solve things. I need, I need, I need...

I need to let go and let God.

Easier said than done, but it has to be done, or I will go crazy. I am a teeny, tiny little human, a small speck on earth, and God has my life totally under control. My life story is already finished. He's got it covered. Sometimes that's so hard to remember.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

I thank God that He has everything taken care of. I thank God that He is so brilliant, and He has patience with a very impatient little girl like me. I thank God that He is so big when I feel so small.

Time To Grow Up

I really surprised myself tonight. I mean, I know I'm a total sap, and I cry when milk spills, but seriously. I thought I was going to be ok with all of this.

When I was 15, I started writing in my diary about graduation. Not mine, but everyone around me. I had a countdown:

Age 15: Good Friend #1 Graduates
Age 16: Good Friend #2 plus his girlfriend (Good Friend #3) Graduate
Age 17: Good Friends #WAY TOO MANY Graduate

I have been preparing myself for this summer since forever. I knew that this summer would be the one where they all would grow up, and I would get more than a little left behind.

I thought I was going to be able to handle it. I've learned a lot about growing up and moving on this year, and I thought it was going to be ok.

But it's the night before a good friend leaves. It's the start of the week before many good friends leave. And I don't know if I can handle this.

I hate hate hate hate change.

And college.

But I'm so proud of my friends for moving on to this next stage in their lives. I just wish that we could all go together.

Insecure

So preparing for college and for my real life to start really sucks.

How am I supposed to know at age 17 and 351 days what I will be good at for the rest of my life?

Yes, I like to sing. But I get nervous singing in front of people. My voice shakes, I forget words, and I forget that the only person I should really be singing for is God. To be a singer, you have to be confident. You have to own the stage. You have to want to be there. I love the stage, but I have my doubts of whether I could really let myself go up there completely.

And I love to take pictures. It's just something that happened naturally. I hate change, and I hate forgetting things, so what better way (besides writing) to capture a memory so that I can always remember every thing that happened? I love developing my signature photography style - close, emotional head shots. I love capturing what people are thinking and feeling at any given time. I love bringing out the most beautiful part in people so that when they look at their picture, they think, "Wow. I'm wonderful. I'm fabulous. I'm me, and I'm more than ok." Helping people believe in themselves is really an incredible feeling.

And then there's writing. It's second nature to me now. There are 14 diaries from about 9 years of my life on my bookshelf, and various ten cent notebooks galore. I'm used to walking into Barnes and Noble and looking at the journals so that I can write in something pretty and unique. Writing is like breathing. Recording what happens, telling my feelings, making sure that I remember what things sound and look and feel like - that's what I do. But can I really be that writer girl? Can I really be that person who lives the lonesome life in front of her laptop, BS-ing her way through a story just to make a deadline? Can I really write for a living? Am I a solid enough writer that I can support myself through a hobby?

I have no idea what I am supposed to do. Three years ago, I felt like I was having a calling from God. I felt like he wanted me to do something in a creative field, but still helping people and connecting with people.

I just wish I had a solid plan. There's so many options. I feel like I'll screw something up and pick the wrong thing.

Real life is super complicated.

Once Upon A Time..

...silly people did not exist. Annoying people did not exist. There was no stress. There was no drama.

Yearbook was left to the professionals, not two poor little 11th grade girls who went crazy trying to produce a 152 page book alone.

Gym class was not mandatory. Ever.

Boys liked girls, and girls liked boys. End of story.

There was a boy for every girl and a girl for every boy. And you found your significant other right away and stayed with them.

Everyone had a prom date.

Losing 50 pounds was easy.

Tie-dying was not messy. And if it ever was messy, someone else cleaned up the mess for you.

Children did not have to do chores.

Mr. Right existed. I promise.

Chocolate did not make you gain weight.

Wallets refilled themselves with money every time you ran out.

You never yelled at people or called them names because they never made you mad. Everyone was in harmony.

The library always had the newest books.

You could download music for free and not recieve computer viruses.

Every job made the same amount of money, which was a very high amount.

You never had to fight with your parents about where you'd go to college or what profression you would have. They automatically supported whatever you wanted.

At the age of 16, everyone got a car.

And you never had to pass a test to get a license to drive that car.

There was a Taco Bell on every street corner, and it never made you sick.

It was paradise.

Most Embarrassing Sappy Moments

I'll admit that I am a total romantic sap. But not only am I a romantic sap, I'm just a sap in general. I cry at the most ridiculous times, such as:

-When Abby's man Mark drove down the driveway to start his long trek home to Scotland. I cried before she did. Who does that?

-While watching Pocahontas at age 17 and 3/4. That's way too old to be sobbing because of a Disney movie.

-While seeing my ambassadors do their Outstanding Cheer during the closing ceremonies of HOBY. They were acting obnoxious. You'd think I wouldn't mind getting rid of them.

-While watching A Wedding Story on TLC.

When all of the monumental occasions of my life occur, such as graduation, first day of college, a proposal, and my wedding day, I am probably going to fall apart.

It's so embarrassing.