Tuesday, August 11, 2009


So preparing for college and for my real life to start really sucks.

How am I supposed to know at age 17 and 351 days what I will be good at for the rest of my life?

Yes, I like to sing. But I get nervous singing in front of people. My voice shakes, I forget words, and I forget that the only person I should really be singing for is God. To be a singer, you have to be confident. You have to own the stage. You have to want to be there. I love the stage, but I have my doubts of whether I could really let myself go up there completely.

And I love to take pictures. It's just something that happened naturally. I hate change, and I hate forgetting things, so what better way (besides writing) to capture a memory so that I can always remember every thing that happened? I love developing my signature photography style - close, emotional head shots. I love capturing what people are thinking and feeling at any given time. I love bringing out the most beautiful part in people so that when they look at their picture, they think, "Wow. I'm wonderful. I'm fabulous. I'm me, and I'm more than ok." Helping people believe in themselves is really an incredible feeling.

And then there's writing. It's second nature to me now. There are 14 diaries from about 9 years of my life on my bookshelf, and various ten cent notebooks galore. I'm used to walking into Barnes and Noble and looking at the journals so that I can write in something pretty and unique. Writing is like breathing. Recording what happens, telling my feelings, making sure that I remember what things sound and look and feel like - that's what I do. But can I really be that writer girl? Can I really be that person who lives the lonesome life in front of her laptop, BS-ing her way through a story just to make a deadline? Can I really write for a living? Am I a solid enough writer that I can support myself through a hobby?

I have no idea what I am supposed to do. Three years ago, I felt like I was having a calling from God. I felt like he wanted me to do something in a creative field, but still helping people and connecting with people.

I just wish I had a solid plan. There's so many options. I feel like I'll screw something up and pick the wrong thing.

Real life is super complicated.


  1. You know what? I love all those things too... hahaha... i'm finding out that I have alot in common with you, Miss Kels! :) that's awesome though, but anyway...
    i get what you are saying - and it's especially frustrating when you see everyone else you know with awesome giftings and callings on their lives, and i find myself standing here going 'God? Have you forgotten about me? what am I going to do?'... I guess life is just a big faith exercise... and we need to work out more...

  2. yes. definitely. it's so hard to trust him, especially when the time for me to decide things is now. senior year...it's right now, and i am still lost as to what to do with my life.

    and i know! it's so funny that we like the same things. very cool.