Rough, rough, rough day.

Can I just go back to sleep, wake up, and start it all over again?

I bounce back. I always do. Just give me a couple weeks.

This time, though...it really sucks.

Enamored

Ok. I'll admit it.

I HAVE A CRUSH ON HIM!

And you know...I'm finally ok with it. Sure, it will probably amount to nothing, but for once, I'm ok with that. Simply having a crush and having something and someone to look forward to is extremely nice. As long as I go into this knowing that it won't turn out how I'm hoping, then I will be ok.

And I leave for vacation in four days. I will then have approximately two weeks to get over this silly infatuation and start fresh for the new year.

It's all going to be just fine.

For once, I am not going to hide or run from my feelings.

It's about time I let go a little bit.

Lightbulb

Just because I am the way I am doesn't mean that's how I want to stay.

I know I've made choices, but I've also just been waiting for a long time.

I'd like to say it was worth it, but I don't know if that's entirely true anymore.

"He is before all things, and in Him, all things hold together." Colossians 1:17

Sucktastic = Fantastic!

So...the day was iffy. I have a beyond-fabulous Yearbook Staff who have been working their butts off to make deadline, and I'm extremely impressed with them. We are...drumroll please...GOING TO MAKE DEADLINE!!! This will the first time in about five years, so I am thoroughly and completely pumped. The girls are doing such a great job, and I'm really proud of them.

There was a disgusting amount of wind today, and it was freezing. Oh, PA. You're trying to kill me. And there were power surges, which meant our Yearbook pictures temporarily disappeared. Seriously...I am totally going to get shingles again from all of this off and on stress. Ugh!

I have four tests tomorrow, unfortunately in all of my super-hard classes. Not good.

Tonight was my very last high school Christmas concert EVER. I had a little sad-fest with Kreig and Ben (I'll miss them so much!); however, our singing left...a little to be desired. So I'm not as sad as I normally would be.

But to end this interesting day, the most wonderful thing in the world occurred (besides meeting Prince Charming and living happily ever after or getting to go to Heaven right this very second). GLEEEEEEE!!!!!! The season finale (I'm so sad it's over) was incredible! I cried, of course, and then I cried some more at the end at the most beautiful happy ending in the world.

And it just made me stick to my decision a little bit more:

There is no way on earth I am settling for anything less than Prince Charming.

December Resolutions

Our holiday dance show was yesterday. I had so much fun dancing with all of my friends and hanging out with the little girls backstage and entertaining them so they wouldn't think about how much they missed their moms (it worked MOST of the time).

I'm trying this new thing. It's called respecting people. I've always been very respectful to people to their faces, but recently, I've found that I have become a very disrespectful person towards people behind their backs, and I know for a fact that a person who supposedly loves Jesus would not purposely try to do that. Therefore, I am attempting a total life change. It's extremely, extremely difficult. It pretty much just comes naturally to take it out on people without them knowing when they make you angry. It's a work in progress, I guess, but people deserve respect and love, so it's worth it completely.

I've also decided just recently that I am going to consider actually giving the whole "dating" thing a chance. My standards are very high, and while I'm not planning on lowering them and settling, I've decided to give guys more of a chance to impress me. I refuse to become cynical at age 18, and I'm still going to keep believing in true love even while seeing all of the crappy, crumbling relationships around me.

Also, I read this verse the other night in my devotionals, and it was just what I needed. I just needed to share it with everyone."Yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken..." Isaiah 54:10

That is why I am not giving up on true love. I know it exists because it was created by my awesome, incredible God. I'm so grateful to have a God who adores who I am, faults and all.

We're so blessed.

CHRISTMAS!!!!

In honor of my beautiful new Christmas blog (complete with a personalized holiday playlist!), I'm posting a Christmas survey. For those of you who haven't caught on yet...Christmas is my absolute favorite favorite favorite holiday of the whole entire year! :)

1) What is your favorite Christmas movie? Oh my goodness...I have so many! Probably the ones I can watch over and over and over again are Elf, Polar Express, How the Grinch Stole Christmas, White Christmas, and of course all of the brilliant Christmas movies they have on TV every year.

2)What is your favorite Christmas-type special TV program/programs? Definitely, definitely, definitely the 25 Days of Christmas special on ABC family. Soooo good!! Oh, and when they play Elf for a week straight. That's always fun. And the Charlie Brown Christmas movie, of course.

3) What is your favorite Christmas song/album? How can I even choose?!?! I love all Christmas music. It's my favorite music ever. I start listening to it on October 1st every year.

4) Who do you give presents to? My family, grandparents, and close friends

5) What is your favorite tradition? Watching Polar Express while decorating the tree, making a gingerbread house, eating candy canes, making hot chocolate with candy canes, listening to Christmas music in church on Christmas Eve...there are just so many!

6) When do you start decorating? Usually right around Thanksgiving.

7) When do you start getting in the Christmas mood? SO EARLY!!!! I love Christmas so much. Usually around the end of September/beginning of October I start getting real excited.

8) How do you pass the long weeks before Christmas? I listen to Christmas music every single day as much as I can. I watch all of the Christmas movie specials. I shop. I make hot chocolate with candy canes. I decorate the tree and then sit in front of it and just stare.

9) What is better giving or receiving? I'll admit that I really love getting presents. But I also love shopping for other people, wrapping their gifts, and then watching their reactions when they open them. And it's fun to just chill with your family in a Christmas atmosphere without gifts at all. I love that.

10) What is your favorite element of Christmas? The birth of Christ! The excitement/joyfulness you can practically feel in the air! Pretty much everything! I adore Christmas!

Go ahead....everyone fill out this survey if you'd like. I promise I'll read it!

I LOVE THE HOLIDAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!

Remainder: 23

Hey everyone.

I ended up absolutely loving Belmont University. And Nashville. That's now my top choice for schools, and I already know exactly what I'd like to major in. It's so weird to have gone for months and months floundering around with no clue what to do with myself and now having it all figured out, or mostly. Way cool feeling. I'm so thankful to God for finally letting me know what my future should be. I've been waiting for a long time.

Recently, I have two things stuck in my head. They just won't go away. They're there when I eat, dance, sing, read, sleep, and write - especially write.

The first thing will be taken care of in 23 days. I'm on countdown, and I hate it. I'm the type of person who takes everything way out of proportion, getting excited or sad about the smallest thing. Resting everything I have on one single day, like I'm doing now, usually gives me really horrible results. I'm trying not to be a total basketcase.

The second thing is John Keats. He won't leave me alone! I finally watched Bright Star, and of course, I started crying 30 minutes into the movie. I have his poem book, and all of the romantic letters he wrote to Fanny Brawn - and I read them all the time. I read them every single day. I just can't stop thinking about them. I don't know what to do with myself.

That's about all I have for you. I'm obsessed. Story of my life.

It's Nashville Week!

I'm so excited! Thursday after school, my parents and I are driving to Nashville to visit Belmont University! I'm really excited about the school and the area and just EVERYTHING. I hope I like it because this is the best I have felt during the entire college search so far.

Also, tomorrow I'm going to see the neurologist to finally get these 24/7 headaches figured out. I hope they can fix me up!

And wonderful news...

BRIGHT STAR IS PLAYING AT THE LOCAL THEATER!!!!! YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY!!!!

I have been waiting to see this movie for forever, and I haven't been able to find it at any theater. And now...it's coming to my town! This week! I can't wait!

For those of you who don't know, the movie is about the love story of John Keats.

Read my last post to understand my love of Mr. Keats.

<3

<3

"Upon my Soul I can think of nothing else. The time is passed when I had power to advise and warn you against the unpromising morning of my Life. My love has made me selfish. I cannot exist without you. I am forgetful of everything but seeing you again - my Life seems to stop there - I see no further. You have absorb'd me. I have a sensation at the present moment as though I was dissolving - I should be exquisitely miserable without the hope of soon seeing you. I should be afraid to separate myself far from you...I have been astonished that Men could die Martyrs for religion - I have shuddr'd at it. I shudder no more - I could be martyr'd for my Religion - Love is my religion - I could die for that. I could die for you. My Creed is Love and you are its only tenet. You have ravish'd me away by a Power I cannot resistl and yet I could resist till I saw you; and even since I have seen you I have endeavoured often 'to reason against the reasons of my Love.' I can do that no more - the pain would be too great. My love is selfish. I cannot breathe without you."

"Ask yourself my love whether you are not very cruel to have so entrammelled me, so destroyed my freedom...For myself I know not how to express my devotion to so fair a form: I want a brighter word than bright, a fairer word than fair. I almost wish we were butterflies and liv'd bu three summer days - three such days with you I could fill with more delight than fifty common years could ever contain...In case of the worst that can happen, I shall still love you."

"I am at the diligent use of my faculties here, I do not pass a day without sprawling some blank verse or tagging some rhymes; and here I must confess, that (since I am on that subject) I love you the more in that I believe you have liked me for my own sake and for nothing else. I have met with women whom I really think would like to be married to a Poem and to be given away by a Novel."

"You cannot conceive how I ache to be with you: how I would die for one hour - for what is in the world? I say you cannot conceive; it is impossible you should look with such eyes upon me as I have upon you: it cannot be. Forgive me if I wander a little this evening, for I have been all day emply'd in a very abstract Poem and I am deeply in love with you - two things which must excuse me. "

"You fear, sometimes, I do not love you so much as you wish? My dear Girl I love you ever and ever and without reserve. The more I have known the more have I lov'd. In ever way - But for Love! Can I help it? You are always new...Even if you did not love me I could not help an entire devotion to you: how much more deeply then must I feel for you knowing you love me. My mind has been the most discontented and restless one that ever was put into a body too small for it. I never felt my Mind repose upon anything with complete and undistracted enjoyment - upon no person but you. When you are in the room my thoughts never fly out of window: you always concentrate me whole senses."

"I wish you to see how unhappy I am for love of you, and endeavour as much as I can entice you to give up your whole heart to me whose whole existence hangs upon you. You could not step or move an eyelid but it would shoot to my heart - I am greedy of you. Do not think of anything but me. Do not live as if I was not existing. Do not forget me."

"I have been a walk this morning with a book in my hand, but as usual I have been occupied with nothing but you: I wish I could say in an agreeable manner. I am tormented day and night...You are to me an object intensely desirable - the air I breathe in a room empty of you is unhealthy."

"I long to believe in immortality. I shall never be able to bid you an entire farewell. If I am destined to be happy with you here - how short is the longest Life. I wish to believe in immortality - I wish to live with you for ever...Let me be but certain that you are mine heart and soul, and I could die more happily than I could otherwise live...My love to you is true as truth's simplicity and simpler than the infancy of truth."

I adore John Keats.

I Love English Class

Recent developments have made this a very excellent week.

:)

The Bigger Picture

So...I like my small town. Really, I do. It's not so bad. Sure, we could be more cultured and classy, but most people are very kind, and everyone looks out for you.

But the problem with small towns is that hardly anyone sees beyond their circumstance to the bigger picture. We're trapped in this little area, and there is no escaping - it presses down on our actions, our futures, and even our thoughts.

It's a little disturbing to me to hear how lightly my peers take the struggles that less fortunate people are dealing with. Today, our Key Club did Trick-or-Treat for UNICEF. Basically, we dressed up in costumes for school and walked around with these little cardboard boxes and collected change for UNICEF, which is an organization that provides money for young people in other countries to help assist them as they grow and develop and to give them more opportunities to improve their lives.

As I went around asking people for money today, I got three arguments why people couldn't or shouldn't give money. It was kind of shocking, actually.

1) I'm the poor one. I couldn't really believe that people actually said this. Yes, I realize that they probably joking a little bit, but still - I know for a fact that I am completely and utterly spoiled. I know that I don't give enough of myself. And I know that I always want more money so I can buy blah, blah, blah...but still. We are so blessed, and we have to at least try to do something for others.

2) A little bit of pocket change is not going to help, and it probably doesn't even go directly to the children. Once again - we have to at least try. Every little bit counts for something. To create big changes in this world, we have to start small, even one penny at a time. Wouldn't it be better to at least be able to say that we attempted to change someone's life, even if it didn't work? That has to be better than doing nothing.

3) (The most disturbing one) We shouldn't give money to starving children because they will just keep reproducing and have more starving children who we will have to then take care of. I just can't believe this. It's so sad. If we start now and help this generation of people have more opportunities, then it will be more possible for them to have the sufficient abilities to help improve the lives of their children and communities as they grow older. No, we can't save everyone. But we have to at least try.

Sorry about this. I just got really riled up about it today. It's something I feel pretty strongly about.

CrushCrushCrush

Boys and books are seriously distracting me from college essays.

This is not healthy.

New favorite book: The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffengger.

Please - read it. It's amazing. I cried for 30 minutes straight. It was worth it.

Wedding Bells

I watched Bride Wars with Karen and Abby tonight. It was amazing, of course. I've seen it about four or five times, and I cry every time. It's brilliant. It has the perfect ending. Yay for friend's brothers.

I would love to be a wedding planner. I think I'd make a good one, considering I'm way more into other people's relationships and love stories than I am my own. Also, I'm a detail-freak, and every thing must be done to the best of my ability. And of course, it's all about the love.

I haven't decided if I'm going to get married yet. I love to hear love stories and write about them, but when something's happening to me, it seems super cheesy and annoying to my gag reflex. I'm just not sure yet.

But I will definitely plan a wedding. Some day.

Come Back To Me

I've been tagged! This is from Jessica - read her blog here.

This is an iPod/MP3 tag....the rules:
Play all your songs on your player and click it to shuffle.
Look at the first question, and write down what song is playing at the time.
As each song randomnly changes, type it down to the next question and so on.

Then, tag as many of your followers that you want and post a comment on their blogs telling them that you tagged them!
1) If someone says "this is ok," you say: P.S. I'm Still Not Over You
2) What would best describe your personality? Bubble Toes (hahaha)
3) What do you like in a guy/girl? CrushCrushCrush (this totally makes sense since really, I only like crushing on people because I'm commitment-phobic.)
4) What's your life's purpose? Sooner or Later
5) What is your motto? Born to Do
6) What do your friends think of you? So This is Love (hahaha)
7) What do you think about very often? Let It Be
8) What is 2 + 2? You Have My Attention.
9) What do you think of your best friend? Stay
10) What do you think of a person you like? Gone Away (ooo...that's sad.)
11) What's your life story? Gotta Have You
12) What do you want to be when you grow up? Forgotten (hahaha)
13) What do you think when you see a person you like? Not Afraid
14) What do you mom and dad think of you? Somebody Loved
15) What will you dance to at your wedding? Find a Way
16) What will they play at your funeral? The Way She Feels
17) What is your hobby/interest? Stranger
18) What is your biggest secret? Lullabies
19) What do you think of your friends? Control (ha.)
20) What's the worst thing that could happen? Morning In May
21) How will you die? You
22) What's one thing you regret? Life Left To Go (why are all my answers depressing?)
23) What makes you laugh? Dreaming of This
24) What makes you cry? Zero (that's a lie.)
25) Will you ever get married? How Great is Our God
26) What scares you the most? End Game.
27) Does anyone like you? Shake It.
28) If you could go back in time, what would you change? It Ends Tonight.
29) What hurts right now? Seasons
30) What do you most often exclaim? Close Your Eyes
31) Where is paradise? New Jersey (hahaha this is seriously what came up.)
32) What did you first say as a baby? Do You Believe In Magic? (ha.)
33) If you had a pet, what would you name it? Blackbird
34) What is your favorite sight to see? Summertime (SO TRUE!)
35) What makes you gag? The Water Is Wide
36) What are you best at? Part Of Your World
37) If you wrote a book, what would it be called? Cry Your Eyes Out (that's pleasant.)
38) What did you last wish for? Still In Love With You
39) What would your superhero name be? The Sky and the Dawn
40) How soon will this be over? A Whole New World
41) Where are you sitting? Missing
42) What do you most hate? Take This To Heart
43) What do you most love? Set the World On Fire (or not.)
44) What is your secret name? 36 Days
45) What will you post this as? Come Back To Me

Haha....well, this was fun. At least it helped me procrastinate while I was supposed to be looking at my ACT prep questions.

I tag...
Ab at Learning to Breathe
Heather at Dreaming Big

annnnd...anyone who loves Glee. :)

:)

I love Glee.

And speaking of Glee, I have to wait until NOVEMBER to watch another episode because of the World Series.

How horrible.

I officially hate baseball.

My blog is slowly becoming gleeked out. I'm sorry if you dislike it. I'm in one of my phases. When I start obsessing over something, I obsess for a long time, and I never really get over it, even if I say that I do - Josh Groban, Disney Princess, The Jonas Brothers, and now - Glee.

no subject

"To you I shall say, as I have often said before, Do not be in a hurry, the right man will come at last; you will, in the course of the next two or three years, meet with somebody more generally unexceptionable than anyone you have yet known, who will love you as warmly as possible, and who will so completely attach you that you will feel you never really loved before."
-Jane Austen

"If you have built castles in the air, you work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them..."
-Henry David Thoreau
Walden

It is sometimes a disadvantage to be so very guarded. In nine cases out of ten, a woman had better show more affection than she feels."
-Jane Austen
Pride and Prejudice

"If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away. It is not important that he should mature as soon as an apple tree or an oak."
-Henry David Thoreau
Walden

"A lady's imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony, in a moment."
-Jane Austen

"Then the time came when the risk it took to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."
-Anais Nin

"Man's love is of a man's life a thing apart; 'tis a woman's whole existence."
-Lord Byron

"In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer."
-Albert Camus

"To move the world, we must first move ourselves."
-Socrates

";fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)
-E. E. Cummings

"Sometimes people are beautiful.
Not in looks.
Not in what they say.
Just in what they do."
-Markus Zusak
I Am the Messenger

"Even after all this time, the sun never says to the earth, 'You owe me.' Look what happens with a love like that. It lights the whole sky."
-Hafiz

"If you ask me what I came into this world to do, I will tell you. I came to live out loud."
-Emil Zola

"The Ven-Diagram for boys who don't like smart girls and boys you shouldn't date is a circle."
-John Green

"These are extreme times. The question is not whether we will be extremists, but what kind of extremists we will be. Will we be extremists for hate or for love?"
-Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

"Maybe it's more like you said before, all of us being cracked open. Like, each of us starts out as a watertight vessel. And these things happen - these people leave us, or don't love us, or don't get us, or we don't get them, and we lose and fail and hurt one another. And the vessel starts to crack open in places. And I mean, yeah, once the vessel cracks open, the end becomes inevitable...but there is all this time between when the cracks start to open up and when we finally fall apart. And it's only in that time that we can see one another, because we see out of ourselves through our cracks and into others through theirs. When did we see each other face-to-face? Not until you saw into my cracks, and I saw into yours. Before that, we were just looking at ideas of each other, like looking at your window shade but never seeing inside. But once the vessel cracks, the light can get in. The light can get out."
-John Green
Paper Towns

Superfabulous Spectacular Book

Everyone should go to your nearest book store and buy Paper Towns by John Green. It's currently one of my new favorite books. I've been waiting to read it for forever, and I finally bought it for myself. It's wonderful. I'm glad it was worth the wait.

In fact, it might be a good idea for you to just buy all of John Green's books. They're superb.

Also, search Brotherhood 2.0 on YouTube for an excellent series of videos by John Green and his brother. Make sure you start with the first one! And only watch them if you have some time on your hands. They're slightly addictive.

What a lame-o...

Today is Make-A-Difference Day! Our Key Club went to work on landscaping for the Baldwin-Reynolds house like we did last year, but I felt kind of bad. I feel like Make-A-Difference Day should be about helping someone who is desperately in need. We worked in the cold all morning pulling weeds and raking leaves, and then, the man who was supervising us told us that the man across the street was in an accident, and he had lost his leg. He said that this man was really concerned about raking his leaves because he wasn't able to do it. We raked his leaves for him, and he came outside with his cane and was just so happy. It was a great day. I love our Key Club group. We all get along so well.

I'm having one of those days today when you just can't stop thinking about all of these things that happened in the past. It's a little sad. All you want to do is sit and remember. I hate these days.

Transformations

We had a free day in Writer's Workshop today, so I read a book I bought recently at Ollies. By the way, if you don't know what Ollies is or you don't have an Ollies where you live...I am very sorry for you. It's a store that has pretty much everything, but their book selection is prime, especially if you are looking for the type of Christian Living/Faith Based books that are about $15 in normal stores. At Ollies, you can get them for $3. Oh, happy day.

Anyway. As I was reading this book, I actually got teary. I know that I am an emotional sap, but it takes a little something-something to get me teary-eyed in school.

This book is attempting to turn me inside out!

It makes me so mad and sad and happy and scared and everything all at once.

The book is called The Irresistible Revolution: Living as an Ordinary Radical. Let me tell you...this is one tough book to swallow. Shane Clairborne, the author, scares the heck out of me in the best way possible. I haven't even finished the book yet. When I do, I'll tell you more.

Tonight was my first night working at my new job (BP!) by myself without a trainer. Luckily, everything went beautifully. This is probably mostly due to the fact that I had the best trainer ever - Abby.

I came home from work to find homemade pizza and hand-dipped chocolate covered pretzels.

Life is good.

Homecoming Pictures!

My Last High School Homecoming

Homecoming was a total blast. Ab and I got all dressed up in our black and white (plus bright red lipsticks - so old Hollywood!), and we had our friend/date Adam dress to match us in all black. At the dance, we hung out with our favorite little junior high girls - Ab, Lex, and Britters. They're adorable. We love them. We had so much fun dancing and burning off all of the chocolate cake calories from Abby's dad's delicious, most amazing chocolate cake ever that we had the night before. Turns out that if you don't care what people think, you'll have so much fun at a dance. You can laugh, sing, dance, and be merry. Who cares if people think you're weird? We had an amazing time. More pictures to come eventually.

Some Big Changes

This is what can happen in a year. I feel like one of those commercial women - "I lost BLANK lbs by switching to NutriSystem!" Really...I didn't switch to NutriSystem. But I'm still really happy with the progress that I have made on my own. I feel happier, healthier, and so much more like myself. I think that's part of our problem. We always want more, more, more. Lately, I've been feeling bad about myself, like I'm still not quite thin enough, or there's still so much more weight to lose. It's those times that I have to remember how far I've come. That doesn't mean I'm giving up. It just means that I am proud of myself, and there is no reason to look down on myself if I'm not to the exact place/weight/position that I want to be in. I just have to keep being positive, striving to become a better person, but not losing my true self in the process.

Shelf Life

http://shelflifereads.blogspot.com/

This is my new blog for book reviews. I have so many thoughts in my head after reading books, and I want to share them with someone, even if it's just a blog.

Welcome to Adulthood...

I now have a job. Luckily, my first training session was with Abby. She's the best trainer ever; however, I am totally lost basically when it comes to lottery and reports. Ugh. No me gusta.

Growing up is super lame, I've decided.

At least I'll finally have some money.

Now all I need to do is get my license and stop being such a loser.

Last Day of September...

Hi.

I have a prayer request. I can't really give many details, but I would just appreciate it if you would just keep it in the back of your mind. Thanks.

Glee was a little lame tonight. I love Kristen Chenoweth as much as the next Broadway-loving girl, but please - alcohol and country songs? I need just a little more creativity than that. The best part of the episode was the music video to the very last song of the episode. If I find it, I'll post it soon. And Will and Emma need to get together. Seriously. It's time.

It has been cold and wet and rainy lately, and I hate it. I just want the sun to come back. Cold weather is such a downer.

Tomorrow is October 1 which means - Christmas Music!!! I always play Christmas music on the first day of October. Can't wait.

Just keep praying, guys. God has everything under control.

"In the silence, you are peace. In the distance, you are here. My soul thirsts for you, oh my soul thirsts for you. In the sadness, you are joy. In the madness, I won't fear. My heart aches for you, oh my heart aches for you."

Never underestimate my Jesus
You're telling me that there's no hope
I'm telling you you're wrong
Never underestimate my Jesus
When the world around you crumbles
You will be strong
You will be strong

The Things I've Done To Get Your Attention

I've tried to be brilliant. I've worked hard since 4th grade to get wonderful grades, studying when I had to, waffling when necessary, and making sure that everything I did was done as perfect as possible. It's only recently that I realized that maybe you don't care about this as much as I always thought you did.

I've tried to be talented. I've practiced my singing constantly. I’ve memorized songs; I sang in Latin; I’ve performed in music festivals in different states; I was in a band. I've made myself get over the stage fright just so I could make you notice me, but it never seemed to matter very much to you.

I've tried to be like you. I've tried to like the things you like, and I've tried to act like you. I've tried to follow in your footsteps so that you would notice and be interested in me. I guess we never really had that much in common, though, did we?

I've tried to be a good person. I've tried to learn to control my temper and stay away from bad situations. I've tried going to church and doing the right thing. I've tried not getting into trouble and being close to boring because it's better safe than sorry.

I've tried to be beautiful. I've tried to measure up to other people. I've tried to fix the things I could about myself and accept the things I couldn't. I've lost the weight and fixed the hair and bought the clothes and had the smile, but you don't seem to care.

I just wanted to be noticed, but now, I don't care that much anymore.

God notices me. He thinks I'm smart and talented and beautiful, and he notices that I try to emulate him and try to be a good person. That should completely satisfy me, but sometimes, it doesn't.

GLEE!!!!!!!!!!

Go here to see why I love Glee so much. :)

Opera & Editors

Ab and I stayed after school yesterday to work on Yearbook, and we ended up getting a little distracted singing opera hahaha.

Go here to see me singing Little Mermaid opera style.

Go here to see Abby and I begin our opera duet career.

Tell us what you think. We'll make you a CD. :)

Haha but really...this is the only way we get through the year with all of our Yearbook stress. We dance to disco, we sing opera, and we de-stress each other.

I will try to convince her to post our Aladdin duet. Personally, I think it's one of our best.

...

Ok...please allow me to have a brief shallow moment to talk about the two only TV shows that I watch (besides Project Runway, but I usually just catch the day-long marathon when the season is over). Glee and Bones - I just love these shows! That's all I'm going to say. Send me a message if you would like to discuss all of the relationships in these shows. I'm all fired up, and I want everyone to be together! Ugh. TV is frustrating.

I will probably post something else tonight, but I just really needed to talk about this. I'm done now, though. No worries. :)

500 Days of Summer

So I know that I said I was going to write book reviews, but I have been so busy that I haven't had time to finish a book all the way through! It's kind of sad, actually. I'm working on Emma by Jane Austen, Tamar by Mal Peet, Nobody's Perfect by Anthony Lane, and Push Not the River by James Conroyd Martin. I pinkie promise that when I get one of these completely finished, I'll write a book review.

In the meantime, I'll write a movie review about a movie that I waited months and months to watch (literally about six months), and I finally watched it today!

The movie was 500 Days of Summer, and I have been hyping it up in my head since I saw the first preview for it.

While the movie was really great - incredible actors (I love Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Zooey Deschanel), witty and engaging script, and brilliant sets that really complete the whole story - it was a little bittersweet.

I'm not going to give anything away because I really hate that when people give away things for me. I will say this, though. The narrator warns you right in the beginning that the movie is "not a love story." If you've watched the movie, what did you think? Be careful what you post in a comment, though - no spoilers!

The best thing about this movie, though, was the soundtrack. The music was so amazing. In fact, the new music that you hear right now if you're reading this is made up entirely of songs from the movie. What do you think? I love it.

To those of you who liked my other playlist better - no worries. It will be back. This is just temporary, I think.

Hectic

These pictures are all from a photoshoot that one of my best friends Abby and I had this week. Our moms took the pictures (they're great photographers!), and these are some of our favorites. I'll post a link to the whole album eventually, and you can check out more of the pictures if you would like.

Well, this week was our first full week of school, and it was a little rough.

I definitely made a schedule for myself that is nearly impossible to follow. The best parts of my day are Writer's Workshop, French, and English class. Without those classes and those teachers, and I don't think I could handle school at all. Physics and Pre-Calc are just bringing me down. I have never doubted myself as much as I do in those classes. Ugh.

Yearbook is actually going really well! Yearbook Staff Applications were turned in today, and we got (surprise!) about 10 applications! We have choices! I'm really excited about the staff and about this year's book. It's going to be really amazing, and the whole process will become much more efficient.

I had my first dance classes of the year last night. I'm taking hip-hop, tap, and modern this year. I love dance. I have the best teacher, Miss Heather, and I have so many friends in my classes. It's just a great way to exercise, have fun, and best of all, relax a little from my horrible schedule.

The college/major search continues. I really have no new updates. I'm just trying to trust God to figure out what I'm supposed to do with my life.

This weekend, I have absolutely no homework! I plan on listening to music, reading too much Shakespeare and Austen (I'm just in the mood), and basically giving my fried brain a relaxing "spa weekend."

I went to a school football game tonight, and I saw so many of my old friends that I haven't seen in months and months. It was so great to see everyone. It was like having the "old group" back, which was a little bittersweet. It's weird to think about how many memories you have with certain people and then in a matter of weeks, months, or years, that can all change. You have to rely on the memories to even connect anymore. I don't really like it.

One friend in particular I was so happy to see. He and I have been relatively close for about 4 or 5 years now. Unfortunately, when he went to college, that changed a little. I was always nervous to call him a best friend because I wasn't sure if that was what we really were or if he felt like that too, but now, I don't care. He was a definite best friend to me, and I'm really grateful that he can still be a part of life even if it's in a smaller way than it used to be.

So...that's my little update! Let me know what's going on in your life and if you have anything you'd like me to pray about!

Patience Is a Virtue?

Ok.

How do we know for sure that when we're crushing on someone, we're not completely wasting our time? I mean, really. I don't want to be sitting here pining over a guy who isn't the one that God has planned for me. That seems like an entire waste my life!

I think God should just be like, "Alright. You should do this now. You should crush on this person because you're going to marry him/her someday. Everything will work out fine. No worries."

I know that I should be patient. I know that God has someone and something incredible planned for my life. But still...I just want things to be easier. I just want things to make more sense.

Sunday Excitement

Today, two very important things happened.

Thing Number One: I watched my first horror movie ever. Even though technically my head was buried in my sweatshirt, and my ears were plugged, I still think it counts. I was scared, it was dark, and I never want to watch it again. That counts as a horror movie experience, don't you think?

Thing Number Two: I finally got a huge weight lifted off my chest by telling my best friend something that I've been keeping a secret basically since May. It feels good to let it go.

Tell me what your Sunday Excitement was!

New Music

Ok everyone....go here and listen to the song Sweet Sweet Sound by Sarah Reeves, please.

My friends and I saw her sing at a festival last night, and she was just amazing! She stood there playing her keyboard and singing, not putting on a show or anything, just praising God. It was so cool to see. She has an incredible voice. I love all of her songs, but I particularly love this song.

She also sang a song that wasn't on her album, but I want to post the lyrics here anyway. This song is such a powerful reminder that we have Someone who is bigger and stronger and more powerful than all of the millions of things that are screwing with our lives.

Here it is:

You are the source of life
I can't be left behind
No one else will do
I will take hold of you

I need you, Jesus
To come to my rescue
Where else can I go?
There's no other name by which I am saved
Capture me with grace
I will follow you

My heart is Yours for life
I need Your hand in mine
No one else will do
I put my trust in you

This world has nothing for me
I will follow you
This world has nothing for me
I will follow you

The Things That Make Me Smile

My best friend Abby, my protector from CODs (ask me if you don't understand)/my hero, posted on her blog a list of things that really annoy her. It inspired me to make a list of things that really make me happy. By the way, you should check out her blog here. It's under construction, but it's still fabulous.

Ok, so now for my list! Keep in mind that these are not in order (I don't like to discriminate in that way), and it is not all of the things that make me happy. That list would wrap around the entire world. Twice.

The Happy List

1. little kids
2. love songs
3. taking pictures
4. the city
5. heads-up pennies
6. fairy tales
7. gerber daisies
8. coloring
9. my siblings
10. cherry chocolate kisses
11. praising God
12. Starbucks
13. my family
14. bouncy balls
15. watching movies
16. staying up late
17. drinking chocolate milk
18. being on Yearbook Staff
19. music
20. elephants
21. The Young Continentals - Tour 3
22. writing
23. dancing
24. reading any and all books
25. musicals
26. Christmas
27. Disney Princess
28. singing
29. hugging
30. talking
31. pretzels
32. blogging
33. Facebook
34. s'mores with coconut marshmallows
35. my beautiful, wonderful, hilarious, fabulous, amazing friends
36. playing piano
37. Build-A-Bear Workshop
38. people with accents
39. chocolate
40. reading my Bible

Like I said, this could go on forever. Post your own list! I promise I'll read it!

September Fun

I have been spending a lot of time with my wonderful friends lately. I've decided, just maybe, that by hanging out with my friends, the school year will go faster! School is going decent. There are some people that I'm having a few problems with, but I think it will be ok. I'm kind of stressed with my full schedule that I made for myself, but I think I can handle it.
This was when Corinne came back home for a visit from college. We had such a fun time hanging out with her. We had a great little hot tub party, even though the water was a little chilly.

My best friend Abby and I went shopping in the city before school started. We found these dresses, and we want them!! Too bad they are way too expensive. And it was a little big on Ab.

For my 18th birthday, I went to the zoo with my family. We had such a fun day. I waited all day to see the elephants because they're my favorite, but unfortunately, there were no elephants at the zoo that we went to. I did see zebras, though, and they're my second favorite. And, I found this fabulous garbage can. I want one for my bedroom!



Well, that's pretty much all that's been going on lately. I would really appreciate it if you would pray for me as I continue the never-ending college search. I'm waiting for God to show me exactly what to do, so I just ask that you pray that I have patience. Let me know what you need prayer for!

Happy September!

I will admit that when I woke up this morning, I was not exactly in a "Happy September" mood. School starts tomorrow, and I will officially be a senior. I am really excited about that, but there's just so much that's bringing me down about school already. Waking up at 5:30 in the morning because we have to leave early with my dad, doing homework and trying to keep up with all of the insane classes my dad and I signed me up for, skipping lunch to go to Yearbook/Chorus, trying to find time to get my license - ugh. It's just a lot. Last year I was miserable. It was horrible. Every day, my prayer was just, "God, get me through it. Let the end of the day come fast. Just help me through it."

But this year, I have decided to make my final year of high school worthwhile. My prayer every day will be, "God, give me someone who needs me in their life. Give me ways to impact students and community members. Give me a smiling face and a great attitude. Give me peace and calm in my stressful world. Give me patience for dealing with problems. Show me how to light my school on fire for You."

I am asking that you all please pray for me and my attitude in school. I tend to become a stressed, angry, crazy mess, and I am requesting that you pray that I am calm and joyful and at peace. I just have this feeling that there are people in my school that really need me this year. There are people who need smiles and hugs and cheerfulness, and I want to give that to them. I want to have a good attitude, and I want everyone to know as I walk down the halls that I am happy because I am a follower of Jesus Christ. I want them to want that happiness for themselves.

Thanks for praying, friends. Let me know how I can pray for you, too.

I've Been Tagged!

This is supposed to be 30 things about me. Rachel (Just a Girl For God) tagged anyone with something on their feet, and considering it is freezing in my bedroom, that would definitely be me. I have fuzzy red socks on! Ok...here we go!

1. I always pick up heads-up pennies.
2. I collect bouncy balls and decks of cards.
3. I color to feel better about life and to de-stress myself. That's why my mom bought me four new coloring books for my 18th birthday. Apparently, senior year can be a little stressful.
4. I'm obsessed with fairy tales.
5. I feel most at home when I am singing something, be it on a stage, in a choir, in the shower, or in a car. I just love making music.
6. I wish I was a Disney Princess. One of my ultimate goals for my college years is to work in Disney World, and if I am really lucky/talented, work as Belle in Disney World,
7. Belle is my favorite Disney Princess, but really, I love them all.
8. Reading is basically my passion. If I could be a professional reader for a career, I would definitely do it. I have my own mini-library.
9. I love Starbucks. I hate their prices.
10. Cherry Chocolate Kisses and Caramel Kisses are my favorite treats.
11. I have had a crush on Josh Groban for about six years.
12. I love staying up late, but I am also a morning person. This sometimes annoys my friends.
13. I feel very secure and in control when I have a camera in my hands. Photography comes pretty naturally to me.
14. A lot of people say I have OCD. That's probably true.
15. I am a writer. I preserve memories.
16. I love hugging people.
17. Little kids can make me smile even when I am having an absolutely horrible day.
18. I am pretty good with computers, but apparently, I am a really horrible teacher when it comes to computer-related things. Bonus Fact: I have patience issues.
19. I worry about pretty much everything in life. I've been trying to stop that. It's a work in progress, but I'm doing a lot better.
20. My friends and family make my life completely wonderful. I adore them.
21. I am one of the Yearbook Editors at my school. My best friend Abby is one of the other ones. We have the best time doing the book even though it totally stresses us out.
22. I hate change.
23. I am kind of a picky person. I hate fire and germs and feet and and hardcover books and spiders and cliffhangers and lots of things.
24. Most of the time, I actually enjoy following the rules. And I never lie to my parents. It seems I'm just not capable of it even if I wanted to.
25. I dance, and I love it! And my dance teacher is the coolest.
26. Someday, I would love to plan weddings.
27. I am very fond of Build-A-Bear Workshop. You're never too old for stuffed animals!
28. I love movies. I just love, love, love them. Movies are amazing, wonderful, incredible creations. Most of the time, though, I do not like when books are made into movies. There are only a few exceptions.
29. My favorite authors are Sarah Dessen and Jane Austen. They are both marvelous.
30. Jesus Christ is my Prince Charming. To him, I am loved and cherished and beautiful and unique. He has given me the ultimate love story. It's so much more than I deserve.

Now, I tag anyone who loves chocolate. Sorry, I'm a little hungry.

Masterpiece

Wow. I watched this video that The Skit Guys did (they are amazing, by the way), and it was incredible. I cried, of course, but out of happiness that I was not only accepted, but loved and cherished and absolutely beautifully made by God. You can watch the video here.

I just love the part where he says, "I let you down, God." God responds that we don't hold Him up in the first place. He holds us up, and I am so grateful that He does. What a relief to realize that we can't let God down.

I don't have a lot to say; just watch the video, and tell me what you think.

All I know is that I am so happy that I am God's original masterpiece. That will always be enough.

Ok, This Connects With The Last Post

I just watched the movie version of The Jane Austen Book Club, and it was amazing, too. Everyone should read the book (pleeeeeease read the book first!) and THEN, watch the movie. Tell me what you think if you do!

For The Bibliophiles

I have decided to dedicate one post (at least) a month to different books I come across that I absolutely love.

The first one, for August (my favorite month!) is The Jane Austen Book Club by Karen Joy Fowler.

This was a fantastic book! I loved it so much!

It was packed with Jane Austen everything. The ways we relate to her and her incredible novels, the different things that we hate about her books that make us feel disloyal even thinking about because, obviously, it's Austen, and the love/hate relationship we have with Jane Austen.

It seems really incredible to me that Austen wrote all of these detailed plots and characters, and that a couple hundred years later, we're thinking some of the same exact things about our relationships!

We're annoyed by the super cute guy who thinks he's too good for us, but secretly, he adores us (we wish and hope and dream and pray).

We want to date that one guy, but we think he's totally out of our social class. Example: the book nerd with the huge crush on the jock. Ugh. Been there. Visited multiple times. Bought property.

And it even applies to our family life - getting along with siblings, dealing with our parents and their extremely high hopes for us, and feeling totally left behind and out of the family loop, at times. Jane Austen, somehow, realized that things wouldn't change with the years. She's a genius.

However, that is not to say that I don't have some issues with some of her books. I felt guilty for years finding problems with them, though. Who am I to dislike Austen? After reading The Jane Austen Book Club, though, I felt so much more at ease with my opinions. Yes, I want Marianne to end up with Willoughby! Yes, I think Fanny Price is sometimes too perfect! And yes, I sometimes wonder what in the world Jane Austen was thinking while she wrote Northanger Abbey!

But, just like best friends, we look past the arguments and issues we have with Austen because we love and adore her work. It's that simple. She is romance.

It truly is a love/hate relationship between Austen and her avid readers. We love most of the romances in her books; we crave the dashing suitors that she created; we wait for the happily ever after in each of our relationships because that is what her books encourage. Have you noticed that are a limited number of men in her novels? It isn't like now; you didn't go on dates every week with a different boy, testing them out. You had one or two, and you were courted. And in the Austen books, a happily ever after was made. That's the issue. That's the one thing that I don't believe can span the gap of years between us and Austen. We don't get a happily ever after every time. It's just not realistic.

I really like this quote from The Jane Austen Book Club. Karen Joy Fowler writes:

"It wasn't Jane Austen's fault that love went bad. You couldn't even say she didn't warn you. Her heroines made out well enough, but there were always other characters in the book who didn't finish happily - Brandon's Eliza in Sense and Sensability; in Pride and Prejudice, Charlotte Lucas, Lydia Bennet; in Mansfield Park, Maria Bertram. These were the women to whom you should be paying attention, but you weren't."

I just really, really enjoyed this book. I might just go read it again to catch all of the things I missed. Or maybe just go watch the movie.

I highly suggest that you read it for yourself, especially if you have an extreme love of Jane Austen. One way to tell if you are a Jane Austen fanatic, by the way, is if you cry every time you watch Becoming Jane. I know I do! If you have yet to be pulled into the Jane Austen fan club, The Jane Austen Book Club is still an excellent read. Just trust me.

18 Years! :)

So...God has blessed me with 18 years!

I hope that I have managed to live a life that pleases Him up to this point, and I will continue to work hard every day to live my life (however many more years He gives me) entirely dedicated to Him.

I'm so grateful for all of the amazing blessings in my life.

God is soooo good!

Strength

Lately, I have been feeling like life is really, really good. Yes, I have a few struggles here and there, but I've just been feeling really blessed and satisfied and content; however, my friends are going through some really tough stuff. It seems like with every good thing that happens to me, something bad happens to them. I feel like God is using this happiness and peace that I have so that I can be a complete wall of strength for my friends.

I've always been the kind of girl who really feels for other people when they are suffering just as if it was happening to me. When something sad happens to my friends, I cry even before they do. I hurt when they hurt; I smile when they smile. I need to be there for them. It's just a part of how God programmed me. But sometimes, when things are just going so bad, I don't even know what to say!

Tonight was one of those nights. It was rough. I have a friend who's suffering, and I'm clueless as to how to handle it. Once again, though, God cleared things up for me. He guided my hands to open my Bible to 1 Chronicles 16:11-12.

"Look to the Lord and his strength; seek his face always. Remember the wonders he has done, his miracles, and the judgments he pronounced."

Wow. God is awesome.

I have to believe that God will take care of my friends better than I ever could. I have to believe that He is constantly there for them, and for me, and I have to believe that He can still do miracles. If I don't believe these things anymore, then I will have nothing left. He is everything.

College Talk (Again)

So I had another long college conversation with my mom today.

I find myself thinking more and more about how much I love spending time with kids, and how I'd love to make a difference in their lives and help them make smart choices and feel loved. I've always said that I'd never be a teacher. I've grown up with two teachers, and I've seen everything - the good, the bad, and the absolutely ugly. But ever since I can remember, kids have just kind of...gravitated towards me. And I love them! Maybe I should go into teaching. I just don't know.

There are so many choices! I feel like I have these voices bouncing around in my head:
"Do this!"
"No, no, not that career. How about this one? It's so much better."
"You're smart. Go into math and science. It's the way to go."
"You're really artsy. Go into the arts; you'll be happier."
"Don't forget about money! You want money, don't you?"
"Forget about college! Go work at McDonalds! This is too much stress!"

I don't know what to do! The only voice I want to hear in my head is God clearly stating which direction I should take for my life. I'm trying to be patient and wait to see what He has planned, but it's my senior year. It's here. It's starting. I need a plan. I need to solve things. I need, I need, I need...

I need to let go and let God.

Easier said than done, but it has to be done, or I will go crazy. I am a teeny, tiny little human, a small speck on earth, and God has my life totally under control. My life story is already finished. He's got it covered. Sometimes that's so hard to remember.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

I thank God that He has everything taken care of. I thank God that He is so brilliant, and He has patience with a very impatient little girl like me. I thank God that He is so big when I feel so small.

Fictionally Yours

Ok, so, I was reading the blog of Just a Girl 4 God today, and she had this tag that was basically about books. I can't fill out the tag myself because the questions are too hard - how I can I possibly pick my absolute favorite male and female character from fiction? But, I have decided to address the topic of:

Favorite Male Fictional Characters

I have many. I'll just talk about some of them. It will be like a therapy session. Oh, and I should probably say that this kind of contains spoilers for certain books. Not exactly, though. I wouldn't just flat out tell the ending of any book. That's a horrid thing to do. (Note: These are not in order. I'd feel guilty if I had to order them. They're all so near and dear to my heart.)

1) Prince Char from Ella Enchanted by Gail Carson Levine
He is marvelous! He's so dashing and caring and romantic. I love how he sees the real Ella - funny, clumsy, spicy, smart - and he not only accepts all of those quirky traits, but loves them.
2) Mr. Knightly from Emma by Jane Austen
Ok, he's super. I've always loved the idea of a "best friend's older brother" or "best guy friend" type falling for the girl. It makes so much sense! Those are the boys who see us at our absolute worse - no make-up, messy hair, sweatpants - and don't think we're absolutely hideous. They know our hearts, and they're used to our personalities. Someday, I'd like to fall for someone who is one of those types, be it "best friend's older brother" or "best guy friend." Anyway, Mr. Knightly is always giving Emma advice, and he's not afraid to totally knock her down a peg or two...or five. It's so refreshing.
3) Jehu from Boston Jane by Jennifer L. Holm
So Jane is fancy little city girl who has to go live in the wilderness. Who is the official "wilderness guru," the only person she can turn to for assistance? Jehu. It's one of those relationships where you get really, really mad at the guy because he sees you at all of your worst possible moments, so you hate him all of the time, but really, there's an underlying attraction that you simply cannot get rid of. Have you noticed how easily we fall for the guys who have those little secret smirks that we can't understand or the ones that seem to be making fun of us when we don't know what we're doing? Yeah. That's Jehu. I love him.
4) Owen from Just Listen by Sarah Dessen
In this list, there will be at least three Sarah Dessen characters. I ask that you please deal with it; I love Sarah Dessen's books. She is my favorite author besides Jane Austen. Anyway, moving on to Owen. Yes, in the book he has anger management issues (but he's in therapy)! But he never lies! And he's the type of guy who is constantly encouraging you to just be you. I'm not sure about you, but I want that! I want someone who sees the real me, and thinks, "Wow! She's amazing! Everyone should see exactly what I see when I look at her!" I have an enormous crush on Owen.
5) Michael Hosea from Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers
This is probably one of the most incredible books of all time. I suggest that you read it. The story is based on the story of Hosea from the Bible, how he is married to a prostitute, and no matter how many times she runs away from him or lets him down, he still absolutely adores her. He never gives up waiting for her and loving her. It's an amazing story. It reflects the love story that we have with Jesus Christ. He is just waiting for us to accept him. He loves us unconditionally. Michael Hosea is the ideal guy to fall in love with.
6) Edward Cullen from Twilight by Stephanie Meyer
I know that half of you are probably cheering this choice on, while the other half are booing me (sorry, Ab, but you haven't read the books, so don't judge...lol). I don't really care. I am not ashamed to say that I love the Twilight series, and I love Edward. The way he loves Bella just makes me melt. He's so attentive and sweet and selfless and old-fashioned. How can you not help but like him? But there's also the other side of things...
7) Jacob Black from Twilight by Stephanie Meyer
Yes, I love Edward, but I also love Jacob. He fits into that "best guy friend" role perfectly. He picks up the messy pieces of Bella's broken heart and tries to put them back together. Sometimes he's childish and sometimes he's annoying, but he's honest and good and has the best intentions in the world - Bella's happiness. I know that the Edward and Bella story is epic and all, but sometimes, I just wonder what it'd be like if Jacob and Bella were together.
8)Wes from The Truth About Forever by Sarah Dessen
I love Wes! I don't even completely know why. Maybe because he's real, and hunky, and charming without trying, and just completely incredible. I really wish I had a Wes of my own.
9) Robert Langdon from The DaVinci Code by Dan Brown
I know he's a little old for me, but he's so awesome! He's brilliant, for one thing, and I have a major soft spot for these type of adventure/history novels where a guy and a girl end up working together, and they fall in love. The DaVinci Code, Angels and Demons, The Historian - all brilliant novels in which the two main characters fall in love while desperately fighting time to save the world. Or a corner of the world. That's near perfection, right there.
10) Sam from Bassakwards and Bellyup by Elizabeth Craft and Sarah Fain
He's snarky and sarcastic and gorgeous and real, and he believes in her! What could be better? And, he is completely unafraid to knock her on her butt more than a couple times when she needs it. Ah, true love.
11) Dexter from This Lullaby by Sarah Dessen
He's such a cute little music nerd! I adore Dexter. The way he's messy and wanna-be debonair and so dedicated to making Remy fall in love with him is enough to make me swoon! Seriously, Sarah Dessen is a genius at creating the most likeable, wonderful, fictional boys out of thin air. She has a gift.
12) Zack from Jinx by Meg Cabot
I just had a huge crush on Zack from the very beginning of the book. He's attractive and smart and funny, and he helps Jinx skip gym class to eat ice cream. There are very few things that are better than that! He's just so great. I love Zack.
13) Justin from Ever After by Karen Kingsbury
I can't really discuss Justin or this book without crying. I suggest that you go read the first book in this series, Even Now, and then read Ever After. Once you're done drying your eyes, we'll talk.
14) Ian from The Host by Stephanie Meyer
Yay, Ian! He's so great! How do I even explain how wonderful he is without sounding like a freak? Basically, he loves this girl who isn't really a girl, but a small worm-like alien thing, but even when he sees the small worm-like alien form of her, he thinks she's beautiful! Yeah...I'm sorry. The book isn't as creepy or stupid or as science-fictiony as I just made it sound. You should just go read it. You'll love Ian as much as I do.
15) Frederick Wentworth from Persuasion by Jane Austen
All you have to do is read his incredible letter that he wrote to Anne. It's probably the most romantic letter in all of fiction. You can read it here. It's brilliant.

Ok, well...I would like to take this opportunity to apologize for this absolutely obnoxious post. It was very long, and I rambled quite a bit. If you actually read the whole thing...well, then, consider yourself thoroughly loved by me! This definitely is not a complete list of all of my fiction crushes; that list would take years and years to compile. It's a mere fraction of the wonderful men who have entered my life through books.

Please post your favorite male fiction characters, and tell me about them! Perhaps it will give me some new boys to crush on. :)

Psalm 46

"God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear, though the earth gives way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging.
There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy place where the Most High dwells.
God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her at break of day.
Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall; he lifts his voice, the earth melts.
The Lord Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress.
Come and see the works of the Lord, the desolations he has brought on the earth.
He makes wars cease to the ends of the earth; he breaks the bow and shatters the spear, he burns the shields with fire.
Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.
The Lord Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress."

Sometimes I just need to read these words over and over again. Sometimes I just need to rediscover how powerful and mighty and incredibly amazing God really is. And sometimes, I just need a reminder that God is within me. He is within me, and I will aboslutely not fall. Yes, I will stumble. But I will not fall.

Chapsticks, Cameras, and Crowns

Ok so...I've had a suggestion to explain what the title of my blog actually means. Some people who know me really well probably don't need an explanation, but for those of you who don't know a lot about me, here you go.

Chapstick - I never go anywhere without chapstick. Ever. I have to have it. One time, I was going to school, and I forgot my chapstick. Lucky for me, I have an awesome dad who stopped to get some for me at the gas station. I take a writing class during the school year at a local college, and in my writing class, our teacher asked us to write Six Word Memoirs. By the way - Six Word Memoirs are so fun! You basically just try to write your life story, or an explanation of your life, in six words. One that I came up with was "Must have chapstick in my pocket." What's your Six Word Memoir?

Cameras - I love taking pictures! I'm a member of the yearbook staff at my school (actually, my two friends and I are Editors!), and we have this really, really nice camera that only occasionally acts naughty and screws up pictures for us. I love using it. I was thinking this morning how awesome the invention of the camera was. How cool is it that we can take a picture and record practically anything that happens in our lives? How else would we be able to freeze our memories, except through writing? It's so cool. In my opinion, cameras are one of the best inventions of all time.

Crowns - I went through the normal childhood obsession with princesses just like most girls do at a young age. But then, when I was 15, the obsession resurfaced. For my 16th birthday, I had a Disney Princess party complete with the balloons, the ice cream cake with Disney Princess figurines, and too many Disney Princess cards and presents to even keep track of. At that birthday, I received over 2,000 Disney Princess stickers. Since age 15, I have had four crowns and one magic wand. Two of those four crowns have had light-up capabilities. Also, I am working on writing a book called Crowned which is basically about the connections between Disney Princesses and the way a Christian girl should live.

So there you are! Hopefully that explains the blog title and tells you a little more about me!

"I only culture you because I love you!"

I am forcing my bud Abby to watch Slumdog Millionaire. She:

A) Thought it was a musical (and she despises musicals) and
B) Hates Bollywood

But I think she might end up liking it.

I want to learn how to do a Bollywood dance! They're so exciting!

I went to a summer dance class tonight (at Movement Unlimited Dance Studio - best dance studio ever), and I was just thinking about how much dance has done for me in the past year.

At the beginning of last year, I was extremely shy in dance class. I was really self-conscious about dancing and moving in front of people. I didn't like to put myself out there when it came to any type of dancing, whether it was auditioning for a musical or even hanging out a school dance. I just basically refused to dance in front of people.

But now - I can step up in a dance class and just enjoy myself. I don't care as much what people think. I dance because it's so much fun.

I noticed how much I changed when I went on a trip with a club from school. There was a DJ and a "dance" going on, and I got right in there with everyone and danced! Then, I helped to lead a line dance! I learned to let go and just dance. I love it.

The next obstacle is to learn how to let go and just sing in front of people. It will definitely be a huge obstacle for me.

WALDAMEEEEER!!!

Yay! I finally went to the amusement park that has been 45 minutes away from me for about half of my life!

Never mind that I drank too much lemonade, it was suuuuper hot, I almost got ill, and I had a headache for FIVE HOURS...it was so much fun!

I have the greatest friends in the whole wide world. <3

Time To Grow Up

I really surprised myself tonight. I mean, I know I'm a total sap, and I cry when milk spills, but seriously. I thought I was going to be ok with all of this.

When I was 15, I started writing in my diary about graduation. Not mine, but everyone around me. I had a countdown:

Age 15: Good Friend #1 Graduates
Age 16: Good Friend #2 plus his girlfriend (Good Friend #3) Graduate
Age 17: Good Friends #WAY TOO MANY Graduate

I have been preparing myself for this summer since forever. I knew that this summer would be the one where they all would grow up, and I would get more than a little left behind.

I thought I was going to be able to handle it. I've learned a lot about growing up and moving on this year, and I thought it was going to be ok.

But it's the night before a good friend leaves. It's the start of the week before many good friends leave. And I don't know if I can handle this.

I hate hate hate hate change.

And college.

But I'm so proud of my friends for moving on to this next stage in their lives. I just wish that we could all go together.

Relying on Men

So I'm laying on the gym floor at Kamp 4 Kids. We got flooded out of our tents, and we had to sleep inside. I'm reading my nightly devotional, which is actually part of my quest to read the Bible the entire way through. Side note: I'm about 3/4 of the way through it. Anyway, as I'm reading, I come across a verse that I immediately share with my friends, Amber, Abby, and Tanya, who are in their sleeping bags around me. The verse says:

"It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in man.
It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in princes."
Psalm 118:8-9

Now, being the extremely single and only slightly bitter girl that I am, I point out, jokingly, that if you twist this verse around, it's basically saying that we shouldn't trust guys. We shouldn't trust the whole "Prince Charming" persona.

I actually don't believe that, just so you know. I was just having one of those "girls against boys when they make us mad" moments that seem to happen way too often in high school.

But then last night, I came across another verse. It said:

"Do not put your trust in princes,
in mortal men, who cannot save."
Psalm 146:3

It sounds a lot like the other verse. But this time, it meant something more to me than a joking excuse to stay away from guys. To me, this verse was saying that Jesus is my Prince Charming. It was saying that I don't have to sit around and wait to meet a guy, to be rescued and carried off into the sunset by a dashing man on a white horse. Prince Charming doesn't have to be a distance dream. It's real! He's real!

Jesus is my Prince Charming! He rescued me; He delighted in me. I am cherished by Him, and He adores me.

How's that for a love story?

BAAAAAAH!!!

No me gusta SECRETS!

Insecure

So preparing for college and for my real life to start really sucks.

How am I supposed to know at age 17 and 351 days what I will be good at for the rest of my life?

Yes, I like to sing. But I get nervous singing in front of people. My voice shakes, I forget words, and I forget that the only person I should really be singing for is God. To be a singer, you have to be confident. You have to own the stage. You have to want to be there. I love the stage, but I have my doubts of whether I could really let myself go up there completely.

And I love to take pictures. It's just something that happened naturally. I hate change, and I hate forgetting things, so what better way (besides writing) to capture a memory so that I can always remember every thing that happened? I love developing my signature photography style - close, emotional head shots. I love capturing what people are thinking and feeling at any given time. I love bringing out the most beautiful part in people so that when they look at their picture, they think, "Wow. I'm wonderful. I'm fabulous. I'm me, and I'm more than ok." Helping people believe in themselves is really an incredible feeling.

And then there's writing. It's second nature to me now. There are 14 diaries from about 9 years of my life on my bookshelf, and various ten cent notebooks galore. I'm used to walking into Barnes and Noble and looking at the journals so that I can write in something pretty and unique. Writing is like breathing. Recording what happens, telling my feelings, making sure that I remember what things sound and look and feel like - that's what I do. But can I really be that writer girl? Can I really be that person who lives the lonesome life in front of her laptop, BS-ing her way through a story just to make a deadline? Can I really write for a living? Am I a solid enough writer that I can support myself through a hobby?

I have no idea what I am supposed to do. Three years ago, I felt like I was having a calling from God. I felt like he wanted me to do something in a creative field, but still helping people and connecting with people.

I just wish I had a solid plan. There's so many options. I feel like I'll screw something up and pick the wrong thing.

Real life is super complicated.

I Can't Sleep

This will be a complete ramble of an entry simply because I cannot sleep, and there are just too many thoughts bouncing around in my head.

I know, I know...I should just stop thinking. But it's so hard!

It's not like what happened was a big deal. In retrospect, especially to about 99.99999% of the population, it was a small deal. A tiny, miniscule, unimportant detail. A speck of nothingness.

But to me, a girl who stays away from dating, especially in the casual sense, and who is waiting for an extraordinary guy to appear, it was a huge deal.

Falling for anyone is a big deal for me.

But falling as hard as I did in such a short time - colossal, massive, humongous deal.

I am proud to say, however, that I am getting over it. I am trying to forget, or at least not dwell upon, everything that happened.

Yes, I sometimes have to re-read a text message or two from him.

Yes, I sometimes have to write his name somewhere, only to furiously scratch it out two seconds later.

Yes, I sometimes have to bring his name up in my phone contacts, think about deleting it, but keep it there anyway.

And yes, I sometimes have to literally distract myself to stop thinking about him, but I'm getting so much better.

Really.

And the best part of this - the forgetting and the getting over it - is that I know for a fact that I am doing the right thing. I am completely sure of that.

It feels good to do something right.

Life Left To Go

I absolutely adore Safetysuit.

Their lyrics pretty much perfectly sum up twelve billion parts of life that I've always wanted to have the words to describe.

I don't even care that the closest concert is 6 hours away and waaaay too expensive since they're only the opening act - I HAVE to go.

Once Upon A Time..

...silly people did not exist. Annoying people did not exist. There was no stress. There was no drama.

Yearbook was left to the professionals, not two poor little 11th grade girls who went crazy trying to produce a 152 page book alone.

Gym class was not mandatory. Ever.

Boys liked girls, and girls liked boys. End of story.

There was a boy for every girl and a girl for every boy. And you found your significant other right away and stayed with them.

Everyone had a prom date.

Losing 50 pounds was easy.

Tie-dying was not messy. And if it ever was messy, someone else cleaned up the mess for you.

Children did not have to do chores.

Mr. Right existed. I promise.

Chocolate did not make you gain weight.

Wallets refilled themselves with money every time you ran out.

You never yelled at people or called them names because they never made you mad. Everyone was in harmony.

The library always had the newest books.

You could download music for free and not recieve computer viruses.

Every job made the same amount of money, which was a very high amount.

You never had to fight with your parents about where you'd go to college or what profression you would have. They automatically supported whatever you wanted.

At the age of 16, everyone got a car.

And you never had to pass a test to get a license to drive that car.

There was a Taco Bell on every street corner, and it never made you sick.

It was paradise.

I'd Like To Chuck My Phone...

Smashing it into bits and pieces would be a lot healthier than staring at it for two entire days in a row.

Pathetic.

Courting

It may seem old-fashioned. It may seem awkward or even boring.

But a courtship is the perfect solution for someone entirely fed up with the normal modern dating scene.

A definition of "to court" from Webster's Dictionary says this:

"To seek the affections of; to seek to win a pledge of marriage"

Maybe it's just me, but doesn't that sound so much more incredibly romantic than saying, "He's my boyfriend" or "We dated that one time?"

To have someone seek out your affections sounds thrilling. You would feel cherished and desired and pursued.

Courtship doesn't have to be old-fashioned. It's simply an alternative for dating. It's spending time with only a few people in your dating life that God will put in your path to prepare you for marriage as opposed to dating many people and testing out the waters with many different types of people. It's not wasting your time casually dating, giving little parts of yourself away to person after person. It's selective; it's romantic. It's more serious.

And honestly, ladies, aren't we normally complaining to our friends that all we want is for that one boy to "get serious and commit?"

Hello, courtship.